Headline: Newest, Heaviest Periodic Element Named ‘Southern Baptistium’
Vol. 1 / Issue #8
Opening Remarks :
ROCK HILL, SC — Scientists have discovered a new periodic element — “Southern Baptistium” — making it the heaviest known element in the universe with an atomic number of 119.
Excerpt :
Research assistant Cassandra Kohl states, “The element does not appear very often in nature, but it is very plentiful in South Carolina. It is both a fixture on the periodic table, as well as seated at any table of a local buffet restaurant.”
Snippet :
In between academic papers and teaching responsibilities, Kohl hopes to travel to nearby eateries — in the hopes of finding more periodic elements that should start considering wearing suspenders.
Final Clipping :
Rhodes hopes to create a new-class of particle accelerators. She says, “I’m really curious to see what happens when you pack a Toyota Sentra with four Southern Baptistium passengers and then collide it head-on with another Toyota Sentra with four Southern Baptistium passengers. You might get some really interesting atomic arrangements.”